Automotive Branding

My dad brought home a Peugot pepper grinder the other day. When I finished picking myself up off the floor after hearing how much it had cost, I began to wonder what makes people buy car-company-branded products that have nothing to do with cars whatsoever.

Obviously the French have always been aces at food preparation, but I'd expect a pepper grinder designed by a French car company to leak oil all over my pasta and then disintegrate into a small conical pile of rust on the kitchen table.

Actually though, it worked quite well, which made me wonder if the real problem is that the engineers at Peugot are a little too concerned with preparing eight-course lunches to be bothered designing a car where the doors don't fall off unexpectedly. Even so, where do these companies get the idea that they should invest time and money in developing things that are totally unrelated to motor vehicles?

Porsche Design, for instance, offers pretty much everything you'd expect in the way of driving gloves, briefcases, hats and wallets with the Porsche name emblazoned on them: all the nonsense that lets everyone know you don't actually own a Porsche and probably never will. But you can also buy a Porsche-branded pipe. Or an entire kitchen. What exactly makes it a Porsche kitchen? Does the stove only have burners in the back? Does the refrigerator have a tendency to suddenly snap-oversteer and crash into a tree? I'm not quite sure.

Is it perhaps because the designers have nothing better to do? I mean the current new-style 911 Carrera has round headlights (again), but pretty much everything else is the same shape it's always been. Perhaps all these turtleneck-wearing ultra-cool German art-school graduates are just plain bored.

But then, it's not just Porsche who's slapping their name on everything under the sun either. Care to buy a Ferrari Segway? Some Hummer shot glasses? How about a Lamborghini Smart-phone, or a spritz of Bugatti cologne? It's sheer lunacy, but worst of all, the automakers are missing out on tie-ins they really should be making. Here's a few I'd like to see.

Toyota Warm Milk Drink:
Dependable. Reliable. Good value for money. All core attributes of Toyota products. Fun? Well occasionally, as long as it's not too much fun, there's no loud noises, and certainly not after eight o'clock. Having put the Celica to sleep a while back, and now with the announcement that Toyota intends to scrap its plans to return the riotously delinquent Supra, what better tie-in for Japan's largest automaker than a mild sedative?
They can even offer it in three shades of beige packaging, and the Prius version could be soy-based.

Honda VTEC Pacemakers:
Of the millions of VTEC valve-timing control devices that Honda's put out over the years, not a single failure has been reported. That's good.
Even better is the clever way in which VTEC allows for excellent fuel economy whilst puttering around town, and then a kick in the pants when you rev the engine into the stratosphere. Think of just how useful this could be for grandad: fiddling about in the garden all afternoon, and then out for some basketball with grandson Jimmy, dunking over all those baggy-short-wearing whippersnappers.
Potential drawback: young men might start illegally racing their grandparents on the street.

Aston Martin Make-up:
Astons are among the most beautiful man-made things on the planet, so why not you too? Stunning lines, gorgeous curves, perfectly balanced proportions, British Racing Green paintwork, it can all be yours! Side effects may include a long nose, wide rear haunches and a bellowing exhaust note.

Volvo Hockey Pads:
Literally translated, “Volvo” means “rolling strength”, but why not “skating strength”? After all, as the maker of some of the most crash-worthy cars ever to have golden retreivers shed all over the back seats, Volvo has always prided itself on safety first.
An additional bonus is that Volvo's traditional boxy design will leave you looking like a cross between Todd Bertuzzi and Optimus Prime.

Range Rover Designer Gumboots:
Just in time for the squelchy fall season, a high-heeled wellington boot. Be forewarned though, they're pretty much guaranteed to leak like a cardboard colander.

Alfa-Romeo Cappucino Maker:
From Italy comes a frothing, fizzy delight, emitting grinding noises and jets of steam. So why doesn't Alfa also have a go at building a Cappucino machine?
Come to think of it, they wouldn't even have to develop anything. All they'd have to do is retrofit one of their old Spyders so that the coffee beans were fed into the gearbox, and the radiator was hooked up to the milk steamer. Then all you'd have to do is drive it until it overheated, say fifteen feet or so, enjoy a lovely morning pick-me-up, and then get your neighbour to help you push it back into the garage.

Saab Jet Fighter:
Saab loves to tell the world about its aeronautical background, but the truth is the company that builds cars split from the airplane manufacturer back around the time fire was discovered. Still, I'd love to see what they could come up with if they tried to build a fighter plane today. Prediction: it'd be front-wheel-drive, turbocharged, have a ski-rack and be flown by Tom Cruise's orthodontist.

Citroën Energy Drink:
I have no real reason for this one, except for the chance we should all have to enjoy a tasty lemon-flavoured beverage called Citroënella.

There're plenty more, some that might even make sense like a Nissan-themed Playstation (after all, the Gran Turismo guys designed the GT-R's display system), but the deadline to print looms rapidly.
Good thing I've got my fool-proof Yugo speel-chëkker on.